Here is the 24th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick. Take it for a short spin first. Usually five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.
Here is the 20th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. This list has been prepared for all you campers who will be taking advantage of the Thanksgiving weekend. We hope you enjoy.
10. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet paper for your stay. Yes, the added bulk and weight of the paper may seem burdensome in your backpack, but you will appreciate the luxury soon after you’ve eaten too much of the wrong kind of berries.
Here is the Nineteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of those who are planning to travel during the Thanksgiving holiday.
10. If you decide to drive your car when traveling, do not pack the trunk and backseat so that all the passengers need supplemental oxygen to stay alive.
9. While traveling in the car, do not think your favorite onion and limburger cheese sandwiches will go unnoticed when you go for a snack. If you do, you may find yourself on the roof with grandmother.
8. If you are the designated driver for a portion of the trip, do not think you can rest your eyes for even a moment. If you do, you may find permanent rest as well as a handsome marker on the side of the highway with your name on it.
7. If you should experience a flat tire while driving on a trip, do not attempt to instruct your spouse or traveling companion on the intricacies of changing a tire while you stand off to the side observing. If you do, you may be wearing the spare for the rest of the journey.
6. If you decide to take an airplane when traveling, do not try to tell security why your religion forbids taking off your shoes. If you do, you may find a full body search applied as the viable alternative.
5. When on an airplane while traveling, do not call a flight attendant by repeatedly pressing the flight attendant call button. If you do, your reward may just be a visit from Mr. Coffee in your lap.
4. When on an airplane while traveling, do not complain loudly and frequently about the lack of food or water. If you do, the flight crew might insure that you may get the same experience as you would on the ground at Guantanamo.
3. When on an airplane while traveling, do not attempt to recline your seat without asking the person behind you if it is OK. If you don’t ask, the passenger behind you may choose to see you later in the terminal where no air marshals are present.
2. When getting off the airplane and you are seated in the back row, do not try to push your way forward while other people are trying to retrieve their carry-on bags . If you do, you chance being kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for ransom. (Oh, if it only worked that way.)
1. When walking as a group through the air terminal while traveling, do not walk five abreast while counting the steps to baggage claim to see who wins the bet. If you do, here’s hoping a baggage cart slides sideways trying to stop, but connects with your group like you are ten pins in a bowling alley.
Here is the Eighteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When commuting to work by car, do not apply mascara while driving or use an electric razor. The former situation will have you likely wind up with a mascara brush sticking out of your eye as you slam on the brake to avoid hitting the car in front of you which decided to stop for the red light. The latter situation could cause you to shave up the side of your head, giving you a “hair style” unacceptable to your boss or to several urban gangs.
9. When commuting to work by car, refrain from driving like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause. At best, you’ll just wind up stopped at the next intersection while everyone behind you throws daggers at you with their eyes or maybe even for real. At worst, you’ll wind up alongside the road being attended to by a traffic officer eager to make his quota early, with everyone passing you with smiles of glee as they know you are getting your just desserts.
8. When commuting to work by car, refrain from listening to state or national news on your radio. Screaming expletives at the top of your lungs might make your fellow commuters worry that you are having a meltdown, at which point they will call the local police, who will only add to your near blood-boiling frustration by pulling you over and making you late for work, not to mention the possibility of you failing the “walk the line test” even though you haven’t been drinking.
7. When commuting to work by car, do not think you are encouraging the driver ahead of you to go faster by following them so closely that you can see yourself in their rearview mirror. Chances are they will suddenly step on the brake and cause you to read-end them which will result in (1) serious damage to your nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was) and/or (2) serious damage to their nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was).
6. When commuting to work by car, do not try to eat your breakfast and drive at the same time. At best, you’ll just gross people out when they see you stuff a double-Egg McMuffin in your mouth. At worst, the coffee you start to sip in order to wash down the Egg McMuffin will wind up covering your nice white shirt or blouse when you suddenly have to step on the brake to avoid hitting someone pulling out of a McDonald’s in front of you.
5. When commuting to work by car, avoid the temptation to pick your nose, pop a pimple, or check your teeth while waiting for a green light. With your luck, the other commuters viewing your activities will likely be attending the same business meeting that you have scheduled that morning, only their role will be as a grossed out customer.
4. When commuting to work by car, do not try to read The Wall Street Journal or finish that last chapter of Prodigy of Rainbow Tower while driving. With the former, you may wind up with a face full of newsprint when you rear-end the person in front of you and your airbag engages. At worst, you’ll never get to finish Prodigy because the traffic cop saw you reading, pulled you over, and then confiscated your book (because, of course, it had been on his to-read list).
3. When commuting to work by car, do not expect to have a smooth commute when you’re running 15 minutes late for a meeting with the CEO of your company. Do expect that the city utility vehicles will be out in full force, trimming trees and picking up yard waste on every street that is normally part of your commute, making your commute time double and your chances of being fired triple.
2. When commuting to work by car, do not expect that your fellow commuters will be understanding if you alternate between speeding and slowing down because you are trying to check your text messages before you get to your office. At best, you’ll have some near-misses as commuters try to get around you and put distance between your bad driving and theirs. At worst, the same traffic cop that pulled you over in #4 and #9 will be more than happy to pull you over again since you are single-handedly helping the officer meet a quota.
1. When commuting to work by car, do not treat your driving as a right, but rather as a privilege which can be taken away at any moment for bad behavior. At best, you’ll rack up more fines and fees in a month than you pay in car insurance in a year. At worst, well, bad driving can lead to bad things happening to other people or to you. Be mindful. Be aware. Drive safely.
Here is the Seventeenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of Halloween which will be celebrated this week.
10. If you decide to dress up for Halloween, do not take this opportunity to show the world parts of your body that should be kept completely private. At best the parts that are visible will only lead the viewer to believe you are older, more out of shape, or hairier than you really are. At worst you end up trying to explain to a judge why you don’t need psychological care.
9. If you decide to take your kids trick or treating, try to refrain from going through the treat bag for the sole purpose of pulling out all the full size Twix and Snickers bars. Oh sure, you can pretend to inspect the candy for safety, just don’t get caught with that Hershey bar in your back pocket.
8. While trick or treating with the kids, try to refrain from making comments about the treats being handed out. When you least expect it, the spouse of the person handing out the treats will be behind you trick or treating at their own house. At best you may not know they are there. At worst you’ll find yourself groveling in front of your own children.
7. While handing out treats at your own house, refrain from asking the bigger kids about how old they are. It could be one of them is a parent accompanying a child or, worse, a disturbed teen just looking for an excuse to let the air out of your tires.
6. If you are invited to a Halloween party and the invitation clearly says “please come in costume,” refrain from ignoring that part of the invitation. Showing up and explaining that you are dressed for work won’t go over well with the hosts. Of course, the only exception to this would be if you are unemployed.
5. When dressing up for Halloween, refrain from wearing a costume that could interfere with the triage process at an emergency room. You never know what may happen but you certainly want the emergency room personnel to believe you are human and not a piece of food.
4. If you should run out of treats on Halloween, do not try to pass off leftovers, boxes of cereal, or fruit of any kind as your offering for trick or treat. If you try, at best you will look like a cheapskate. At worst you may need a power washer to get all the soap off your windows,
3. If you decide to set up an elaborate scheme to haunt little kiddies as they come to your house to trick or treat, try to understand that a child’s digestive system will take only so much surprise. After this amount is exceeded, the natural tendency is for the body to lighten its load to prepare for the flight response. Just dropping bags of candy will probably not be the sole items of evacuation.
2. When you decide to carve your pumpkin for Halloween, refrain from carving words that you would not be proud to carry into next Sunday’s church service. Although it is pretty fun to invent new things to say on a pumpkin carving, little minds may have way too many questions for their parents about what you have written and the parents may come to you for answers.
1. When helping the children trick or treat, refrain from drinking every drink that is offered to you by friendly neighbors. Time does get away from us while having fun and more than an ounce of alcohol per hour tends to impair certain judgment factors such as: when to go home and where to sleep. At best you may spend time stumbling around. At worst you may forget where you live and have to ask your kids for directions.
Here is the Sixteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list was put together at the request of Minion Leader Ionia Martin at http://readfulthingsblog.com.
10. When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison. While you may think that few if any people browse those stacks, chances are there will be at least one lonely doctoral student who will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing all of you great distress.
9. When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant. Libraries prohibit food and drink as it is, but the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a size-able crowd of children to your table, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if gone, you.
8. When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will simply point you to the stacks on animal husbandry. At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.
7. When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons. Sound carries and it is the mission of every librarian to ensure a quiet place for study. You may get to finish your call before they find you, but it will be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are done with you and possibly your firstborn as well.
6. When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters. No matter how adorable your children might be, it is not the purpose nor necessarily the desire for librarians to break up squabbles between 3-year-old twins, assist your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chase after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning. The next time you show up to drop off your kids, the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.
5. When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section. Just because these interactive computer games weren’t available when you were young (much less computers) doesn’t mean that you can push kids out of their chairs and take over the computer. At best, the children will sulkily go away to another room. At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps on your bum.
4. When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating. If you are caught by a librarian, you will likely wind up having to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance, or, worse, an embarrassing request for a date.
3. When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary. It would only be a matter of time before the librarians would figure it out that it is you returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest. Once you’re found out, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection, as well as rewind every cassette and video tape.
2. When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations. Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell coming from the donations bin with the same smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties love the warmth of your shoes and they seem to hold a lot.) At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door. At worst, you will be forced to clean each and every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and start sneezing.
1. When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few of them, and then just walk away. It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern to the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians. At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books. At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it along with the convicted felon doing community service.
Here is the Fifteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh and your query will get a direct pitch into the trashcan with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publisher’s lips.
9. When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever it is that you send along with the letter and could just charge you for the clean-up later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.
8. When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you should by chance get someone to talk, being able to find your query letter to give you the feedback you demand may get you put on hold permanently.
7. When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query just might get placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.
6. When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once in a lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance,” on the publisher’s lips.
5. When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course he will be paid an enormous fee and you will get…well…nothing.
4. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is not a publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”
3. When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should stay away from self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.
2. When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in this for the money even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you as a result of your query. This is not the time to start pressing the publisher for a compact timetable because you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another more motivated by non-monetary reasons.
1. When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million copy seller.
Here is the Fourteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When at the movies on a date, refrain from buying the biggest popcorn and soda even if you are really hungry. Your date will probably prefer to hear your stomach grumble than hear you belch and burp through the sex scenes that rival Last Tango in Paris.
9. When at the movies on a date, do not use your smartphone to play a quick game of Tetris while the theatre runs advertisements for coke and candy. Unless your date is also ignoring you, ignoring your date while you achieve the next level might find you leaving the theater alone.
8. When at the movies on a date, refrain from giggling during any explicit sex scenes in the movie. At best your date might just think you’re prudish and shy about sex. At worst, your date might think the giggling stems from an intention to replicate the scenes at your place later.
7. When at the movies on a date, refrain from giggling during bloody violent scenes in the movies. At best your date might think you’re a bit juvenile. At worst, your date might think the giggling stems from an intention to replicate the scenes back at your place.
6. When at the movies on a date, do not talk loudly to your date during the movie. You might wind up being given a shower of sticky buttery popcorn and flat coca-cola by the movie-goers around you or worse a flashlight in the face and request to leave by a big usher named Tiny.
5. When at the movies on a date, do not merely put your smartphone on silent mode but turn it off completely. The buzzing from your phone’s vibration mode will likely cause your date to wonder about who’s calling and other people in the theater to continually check their own phones. Once the audience realizes the buzzing phone is yours, you may be on the hook for everyone’s refund since you caused them to miss most of the movie. The worst part is you will never be able to explain who was doing all the calling.
4. When at the movies on a date, refrain from sitting in dead center of the theater if you know that you will need to exit frequently to use the restroom after downing that thirty-two ounce Big Gulp. Your date will likely not appreciate having your butt block the view of the screen each time you leave, but others in the theater audience may take such exception as to purposely trip you as you try to step over their feet leading to an unexpected arrival of the Big Gulp.
3. When at the movies on a date, do not start reciting the movie dialogue just because you’ve seen it several times already. Unless you and your date are watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show, you will likely wind up with your date moving to another row far away or worse, the belief that you have had a number dates at the same movie.
2. When at the movies on a date, avoid choosing a film that has a good likelihood of causing you to become sick to your stomach, such as The Blairwitch Project or the iMax version of Martin Scorsese’s Shine a Light. At best, you will simply feel like throwing up during the whole movie. At worst, you may actually find yourself throwing up on the row in front of you, which will probably ruin any chances of another date and a demand to pay the cleaning tabs.
1. When at the movies on a date, do not assume that because other people are present, this would be a safe place in which to break up with your date. At best, the show that your date will put on might be more entertaining than the film itself. At worst, you may wind up with both a shower of popcorn, Milk Duds and soda and a court date for disturbing the peace.
Since a lot of us share in the fantasy of becoming a world famous author, here is the Thirteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com and Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. If you are writing the great American novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.
9. If you are writing the great American novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.
8. If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.
7. If you are writing the great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “how you knew that” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “why haven’t we done that?”
6. If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you a number of stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book as if it is as easy as saying.
5. If you are writing the great American novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue but you might be in a position to need new clothes beyond your tattered trusted terry cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.
4. If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all you.
3. If you are writing the great American novel, do not try and get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as world famous author you can do it.
2. If you are writing the great American novel, do not suspend normal hygiene routines. The wild eyed, disheveled, evil smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avert unusual questions not to mention a threat of intervention from loved ones.
1. If you are writing the great American novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least it was you who had the faith to get there.
Here is the Twelfth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not To Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When at a little league game, do not assume that your brief foray into sports during high school makes you an expert in the game your child is in. Chances are the coaches are the real experts and the advice you try to give them will, if you are lucky, fall on deaf ears; if not lucky you might be told to butt out.
9. When at a little league game, do not presume to call out penalties as if you were the referee unless you are prepared for the crowd of child worshiping parents from the other team to call you out and off the field.
8. When at a little league game, do not assume the game is just a pint-size version of an adult game where gambling is commonplace. Chances are the other parents will not take kindly to you placing bets on their kids’ losing, and you could be tossed out of the game minus your ante.
7. When at a little league game, do not show up wearing your uniform from high school, especially if you’ve been out of high school for many, many years. Chances are you’ll rip open your pants the first time you sit down on a bench, your kids will fumble the play from sheer embarrassment, and your spouse will impose a new diet on you starting that night.
6. When at a little league game, do now show up toting your own keg of beer. Chances are the BYOB you saw in the flyer advertising the game meant “Bring Your Own Ball,” not “Bring Your Own Beer.”
5. When at a little league game, do not prowl the sidelines and try to make eye contact with your kid. Chances are your kid will be too busy trying to play the game and not see to warn you that the ball just tossed is headed straight for your stomach.
4. When at a little league game, do not spend the whole time pretending to be videotaping the game on your smartphone when in fact you are checking your email, the latest stock reports and weather updates. Chances are the parents nearest you will see what you are up to and might use your phone for a spontaneous game of catch.
3. When at a little league game, do not offer to take all the kids out for ice cream unless you own a Greyhound bus, the ice cream stand, or your name is Warren Buffet.
2. When at a little league game, do not attempt to join the cheerleaders at any point during the game. Chances are, if you attempt to do splits in the air, you’ll wind up dislocating your hips, an ambulance will have to be called, the game will be over, and your kids will never speak to you again.
1. When at a little league game, do not shower insults on kids from the opposing team. Chances are their parents will hear you, their parents will be bigger than you, and when they come to beat you up, no one will protect you because yelling at kids is just wrong.
Marie at 1 Write Way 
