Here is the Twelfth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not To Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When at a little league game, do not assume that your brief foray into sports during high school makes you an expert in the game your child is in. Chances are the coaches are the real experts and the advice you try to give them will, if you are lucky, fall on deaf ears; if not lucky you might be told to butt out.
9. When at a little league game, do not presume to call out penalties as if you were the referee unless you are prepared for the crowd of child worshiping parents from the other team to call you out and off the field.
8. When at a little league game, do not assume the game is just a pint-size version of an adult game where gambling is commonplace. Chances are the other parents will not take kindly to you placing bets on their kids’ losing, and you could be tossed out of the game minus your ante.
7. When at a little league game, do not show up wearing your uniform from high school, especially if you’ve been out of high school for many, many years. Chances are you’ll rip open your pants the first time you sit down on a bench, your kids will fumble the play from sheer embarrassment, and your spouse will impose a new diet on you starting that night.
6. When at a little league game, do now show up toting your own keg of beer. Chances are the BYOB you saw in the flyer advertising the game meant “Bring Your Own Ball,” not “Bring Your Own Beer.”
5. When at a little league game, do not prowl the sidelines and try to make eye contact with your kid. Chances are your kid will be too busy trying to play the game and not see to warn you that the ball just tossed is headed straight for your stomach.
4. When at a little league game, do not spend the whole time pretending to be videotaping the game on your smartphone when in fact you are checking your email, the latest stock reports and weather updates. Chances are the parents nearest you will see what you are up to and might use your phone for a spontaneous game of catch.
3. When at a little league game, do not offer to take all the kids out for ice cream unless you own a Greyhound bus, the ice cream stand, or your name is Warren Buffet.
2. When at a little league game, do not attempt to join the cheerleaders at any point during the game. Chances are, if you attempt to do splits in the air, you’ll wind up dislocating your hips, an ambulance will have to be called, the game will be over, and your kids will never speak to you again.
1. When at a little league game, do not shower insults on kids from the opposing team. Chances are their parents will hear you, their parents will be bigger than you, and when they come to beat you up, no one will protect you because yelling at kids is just wrong.