Here is the Seventeenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of Halloween which will be celebrated this week.
10. If you decide to dress up for Halloween, do not take this opportunity to show the world parts of your body that should be kept completely private. At best the parts that are visible will only lead the viewer to believe you are older, more out of shape, or hairier than you really are. At worst you end up trying to explain to a judge why you don’t need psychological care.
9. If you decide to take your kids trick or treating, try to refrain from going through the treat bag for the sole purpose of pulling out all the full size Twix and Snickers bars. Oh sure, you can pretend to inspect the candy for safety, just don’t get caught with that Hershey bar in your back pocket.
8. While trick or treating with the kids, try to refrain from making comments about the treats being handed out. When you least expect it, the spouse of the person handing out the treats will be behind you trick or treating at their own house. At best you may not know they are there. At worst you’ll find yourself groveling in front of your own children.
7. While handing out treats at your own house, refrain from asking the bigger kids about how old they are. It could be one of them is a parent accompanying a child or, worse, a disturbed teen just looking for an excuse to let the air out of your tires.
6. If you are invited to a Halloween party and the invitation clearly says “please come in costume,” refrain from ignoring that part of the invitation. Showing up and explaining that you are dressed for work won’t go over well with the hosts. Of course, the only exception to this would be if you are unemployed.
5. When dressing up for Halloween, refrain from wearing a costume that could interfere with the triage process at an emergency room. You never know what may happen but you certainly want the emergency room personnel to believe you are human and not a piece of food.
4. If you should run out of treats on Halloween, do not try to pass off leftovers, boxes of cereal, or fruit of any kind as your offering for trick or treat. If you try, at best you will look like a cheapskate. At worst you may need a power washer to get all the soap off your windows,
3. If you decide to set up an elaborate scheme to haunt little kiddies as they come to your house to trick or treat, try to understand that a child’s digestive system will take only so much surprise. After this amount is exceeded, the natural tendency is for the body to lighten its load to prepare for the flight response. Just dropping bags of candy will probably not be the sole items of evacuation.
2. When you decide to carve your pumpkin for Halloween, refrain from carving words that you would not be proud to carry into next Sunday’s church service. Although it is pretty fun to invent new things to say on a pumpkin carving, little minds may have way too many questions for their parents about what you have written and the parents may come to you for answers.
1. When helping the children trick or treat, refrain from drinking every drink that is offered to you by friendly neighbors. Time does get away from us while having fun and more than an ounce of alcohol per hour tends to impair certain judgment factors such as: when to go home and where to sleep. At best you may spend time stumbling around. At worst you may forget where you live and have to ask your kids for directions.