Ten Top – Marie at 1 Write Way

Top Ten Things Not To Do On Your First Anniversary

June 30th, 2014

Here is the 52nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

10. If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not think your spouse will find it funny if you pretend to forget your wedding date. If you do pretend to forget, at best your spouse will forgive you after you’ve recited a dozen mea culpas and treated your spouse to a romantic candlelit dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. At worst, your spouse will demand, in addition to the mea culpas and romantic dinner, you be solely responsible for cleaning out your cat’s litter box until your second wedding anniversary.

9. If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not assume your spouse will want to celebrate the anniversary with all your family, friends, and the same people at your wedding. If you do, at best your spouse will grudgingly put up with the crush and noise of partygoers. At worst, your spouse will commit a disappearing act (sneaking out of the house to have that nice, quiet dinner your spouse really wanted), leaving you to be solo host, as well as clean-up crew after the party.

8. If it is your first work anniversary, do not think you should necessarily expect some congratulations from your boss and coworkers. At best, you will get some recognition for having stayed in the job for a year since no one else (including your boss) has, an insight which might cause you to start looking for another job. At worst, you try to throw your own party during lunch time in the conference room which coincides with your boss’s own planned luncheon with the CEO, CFO, CIO, and COO, and you wind up playing caterer to them since you are now too embarrassed to admit the food was for your own party.

7. If it is your first work anniversary, do not insist on going to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate with your boss and coworkers. If you do, at best, no one will complain about the fact that all any of them (except your boss) can afford is the Caesar salad and a glass of ice water. At worst, in honor of your anniversary, your boss will publicly suggest you pay the bill for the entire table since your anniversary grants you a 1.0% raise which, after taxes, translates to a 0.3% raise which after a year will cover the cost of the meal.

6. If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think your significant other will be unaware of the fact. If you do, at best, your significant other will accept your apologies for forgetting and you make a promise to yourself not to forget the second anniversary. At worst, your significant other will accept your apologies and then suggest perhaps it’s time to see other people, letting you know in no-uncertain terms there will not be a second anniversary.

5. If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think a simple greeting card will be enough to celebrate the event. If you do, at best, your significant other will simply sigh and make arrangements for a nice dinner at the restaurant where you had your first date. At worst, your significant other will make reservations at a very expensive restaurant you’ve always wanted to go but never had the money and then after dessert tell you it’s time for you both to see other people. For the cherry on top, your significant other will abruptly leave, grabbing the foil wrapped coq au vin, but leaving the check which, of course, you cannot pay except with long hours of dishwashing.

4. If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think no one will care if you ignore the event. If you do, at best, your readers will likely be confused when you start writing posts beginning “When I began blogging over a year ago ….” since it’s fairly common to celebrate such an event and they won’t understand why you didn’t. At worst, you’ll be out spotlighted into shame by your fellow bloggers who go ahead and post about their first-year anniversary while you sit and watch their readership grow as yours sinks.

3. If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think you can crowdsource your way to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. If you do, at best, you’ll gain enough for a tip and your readers will just shake their heads over your impudence and continue to read your blog any way. At worst, a number of fellow bloggers will show up at the fancy restaurant expecting you to share your crowdsourced meal for one with all of them, forcing you to eventually crowdsource to get enough money to pay the bill so you don’t have to wash the restaurant’s dishes for the next month.

2. If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not think it would be gauche to promote the hell out of it on your important day. If you do, at best, an ardent fan will realize the date and promote your book for you, giving you an uptick in sales which you otherwise would not have had. At worst, you miss your window of opportunity and your post-first anniversary sale bombs since no one understands what a year and a day anniversary is all about.

1. If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not hesitate to promote the hell out of it on that important day. If you do hesitate, at best, you’ll get a lukewarm response of increased sales from your lukewarm effort. At worst, your promotion will be so tepid none of your readers will understand what you are promoting and miss the opportunity to purchase your book at less than the cost of a tall skinny Vanilla latte.

0. If it is the first anniversary … oh, wait, lists aren’t supposed to have 0s in them. Well, this one does but not for a happy reason. On this first anniversary of our Top Ten Things Not To Do lists, I have published my last list with John. I am stepping down as a collaborator on these lists and hope that many of you will now rush over to John’s blog (www.johnwhowell.com) and leave your comments about what not to do on one’s first anniversary of anything.

For personal reasons, I need to step down and step away from blogging, although not entirely; I just need to slow the pace of my postings, the weight of my own expectations. John, as many of you know, is a wonderful writer, a good friend, and the best partner in blogging that I’ve ever had. I love him dearly. I will do all I can support whatever direction he chooses to go with this venture. And for this reason I’ve disabled the comments on this post. Any comments you want to make on the list, you make them over on John’s blog. Any comments you want to make on my decision, save for later. There will be a post later this week for that. Until then, thank you for reading. Thank you for your support. And most of all, thank you for John. I might never have met him if it hadn’t been for this wonderful world of blogging.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When in the Presence of a Camera

June 23rd, 2014

Here is the 51st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

10. If you are tempted to take a selfie (why, we don’t know) to show your friends your new tan lines, do not send the picture to anyone. If you do, at best, you may show too much line. At worst, your picture may make the internet rounds for the next million years.

9. If you are with friends and a picture is being taken, do not stick out your tongue as if you are Miley Cyrus. If you do, at best, you will look as graceful as Miley Cyrus. At worst, like your mom said, “Your face may stick that way.”

8. If you are tempted to take a selfie in the bathroom, do not take the picture until you check the background. If you do, at best, there may be some stray clothes lying around. At worst, that shot of the commode may be enough to get an unexpected visit from the health department and possibly a letter from a concerned citizen about the lid being in the up position.

7. If you are tempted to take a selfie, try to make an expression that does not resemble a duck. If you don’t, at best, you will look like any one of a million selfies. At worst, your lips may be entered in the most obviously botched category at the Botox convention by a well-meaning friend and win.

6. If you are in charge of taking pictures of a friends’ get-together, do not ask everyone to say cheese. If you do, at best, you will have different group photos that look the same. At worst, you will have walking dead expressions and your outing will resemble the before shots at the orthodontist.

5. When posing for a group picture, do not put up two fingers behind the head of the person next to you. If you do, at best, you will ruin what could have been a nice picture. At worst, everyone in the photo will be able to attest that those two fingers represent the number of drinks that it takes to get you blotto.

4. If you have had too much to drink, do not show up in each picture with your red solo cup. If you do, at best, you will have a chronicle of your behavior. At worst, you will document your own downfall and will have to face the inevitable slide show every time you and your friends get together.

3. When taking pictures of the scenic wonders of America, do not take photos from a moving vehicle. If you do, at best, you might catch a tree or two in the blur. At worst, you will have lovely landscape colors that resemble finger paints to show as a result of your trip.

2. When trying to capture the romantic nature of the moonlight over the lake, do not use a cell phone camera. If you do, at best, you might get what appears to be a pin head in the night. At worst, you will have a close up view of your fingerprint that can be used as a new form of identification.

1. When taking pictures of pets, children, or anything on the ground, do not stand as tall as you are and take the shot. If you do, at best, you will get shots of little frightened beings resembling something out of The Hobbit. At worst, since you are not down at their level, your angle of attack will produce nothing but tops of the innocent little heads.

Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Selfie

Top Ten Things Not To Do on the Weekend

June 9th, 2014

Here is the 49th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

10. On the weekend, do not attempt to catch up on all the sleep you missed during the week. If you do attempt, at best, you may miss a few meals. At worst, you might just find Monday morning arriving way too soon.

9. On the weekend, do not try to complete a week’s worth of exercise in one weekend day. If you do, at best, your body will remind you to take it easy next time. At worst, you will need to call EMS to help you out of bed Monday morning.

8. On the weekend, do not try to drink all the beer and margaritas you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will still feel bad the following Friday. At worst, you could have a monumental lost weekend and wake up naked, restrained to a gurney at the county hospital with no idea how you got there nor how long you’ve been naked.

7. On the weekend do not feel you must fill in every hour with an activity to make up for the sedentary week. If you do, at best, you just might need a vacation after the weekend is over. At worst, you may be in a position to regret not having a stress test a little sooner.

6. On the weekend, do not power shop to make up for the times you were at work during the week. If you do, at best, you may see the end of the available money before the end of the available time to shop. At worst, you ignore the end of the money warning and continue shopping until your credit card company mercifully cuts you off in the most exclusive store.

5. On the weekend, do not do a marathon of chores hoping to catch up on those you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will run out of daylight before the work is done. At worst, you will run out of energy and be faced with the end of the weekend and the prospect of an exhausted Monday morning.

4. On the weekend, do not try to watch every show you recorded during the week. If you do, at best, you will feel you have worked all weekend just watching TV. At worst, you will show up on Monday with bloodshot eyes and pasty skin leading everyone to believe you were in solitary confinement in jail for the weekend.

3. On the weekend, do not take a little work home with you. If you do, at best, you will have to sneak around to get it done before the family finds out. At worst, your boss will find out you are working during the weekend so the little work will turn into two full days of business as usual.

2. On the weekend, if you are a writer, do not try to not write. If you do, at best, you will become increasingly grumpy until your family locks you in your writing room. At worst, you will be successful in not writing and will be crushed by the guilt of ages simply because you are now two thousand words off your target causing you to change genres from Romance to Horror Fiction.

1. On the weekend, do not forget to find time to relax and recharge. If you do forget, at best, your productivity for the next week will suffer. At worst, your nerves will probably be at the point of shatter and all will let loose when your hapless boss asks you to stay for an hour more on Monday with significantly ugly results.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Sneak Time to Write at Work (A Special List for Writers Whose Best Hours for Writing are Between 9 and 5).

May 19th, 2014

Here is the 46th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Special apologies in advance to all those bosses out there who have employees who want to write.

10. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that putting a black curtain across the entry to your cubicle will keep your boss and co-workers at bay. At best, your boss will just think you are being anti-social and enroll you in a workplace team building course. At worst, your boss will hear you typing for once, suspect you of engaging in a double-cross with a competitor, and have company security pay a visit to your cube after hours. (more…)

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

April 21st, 2014

Here is the 42nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

10. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use your old high school senior photo in your profile. If you do, at best, your future dates might forgive you for being somewhat more overweight and wrinkled than your photo suggests. At worst, you might get sued by future dates for emotional and psychological trauma especially those who thought they were going to date an 18 year old. (more…)

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending the Opening Day of Baseball

April 14th, 2014

Here is the 41st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

10. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not dress like you would at the playoffs. If you do, at best, some Good Samaritan will loan you a coat. At worst, you might need to be treated for hypothermia, frostbite, or both.

9. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not sit in an uncovered seat even if you consider yourself a bleacher bum. If you do, at best you might just get rained on. At worst, you will get caught under a ton of snow or hailstones and will require rescue by the ski patrol.

8. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not start a fire to keep warm. If you do, at best you’ll be pressed by a bunch of strangers all trying to get warm as well. At worst, the league just might present you with an invoice for $100M to replace the stadium which burned to the ground before the end of the game.

7. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think brandy will help keep away the cold. If you do, at best, you may only forget where you came in. At worst, you might see yourself on the nightly news being dragged off the field by several policemen while you yell “Hey ump, you blind?”

6. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think you can hide from your boss since you told a fib about where you would be. If you do, at best your boss will be in the next row and you’ll have to spend the entire game hunkered down and quiet so you don’t get his attention. At worst, it will be your luck to be featured as the fan of the day on the nightly news which your boss never misses.

5. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not attend the game with anyone of the opposite sex without telling your significant other. If you do, at best you will run into a neighbor who will wonder who is with you which will remind you to text your significant other so there will be no unpleasant surprises when you get home. At worst, the giant gametron will catch you both sharing a laugh and will surround you with one of those annoying hearts demanding that you kiss which, if you do because you both indulged in the brandy of #7, will be featured on the nightly news your partner never misses.

4. When attending the opening day of baseball, as a company team building function, do not force everyone to join you in eating a bag of peanuts just because it is mentioned in the song. If you do, at best, you might have problems with co-workers at work the next day. At worst, you might be named in a class action suit by those who are grossly allergic to peanuts.

3. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not bring a mitt thinking you will catch a ball. If you do, at best, people will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, you may be the subject of an intervention by family members concerned with your ability to grasp reality unless you actually catch a ball.

2. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not root against the home team. If you do, even if you like the visitors, at best you will have some grumpy people around you. At worst, you could find yourself wishing you had a warm towel to go with the ice cold beer on your head.

1. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think the players can’t hear your insults from the stands. If you do, at best you might get a classic gesture from one of the players that implies you should be mated. At worst, you might encounter a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot all interested giving you a personal remembrance of the game in the form of a bruise.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Bowling, Golfing, Playing Tennis or Eight Ball with Friends

March 31st, 2014

Here is the 39th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

10. When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an imbedded racket, club or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.

9. When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.

8. When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.

7. When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friend s will figure out a way to stick you with a bill someday which will require a bank loan to cover.

6. When playing sports with friend, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match your clothing and equipment price. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem which may or may not be accurate.

5. When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause for the loss of the game. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and bad morning after.

4. When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.

3. When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the grounds keeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about rules.

2. When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peace keeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.

1. When playing sports with friends, try to remember the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.

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