Now, I’m venturing outside my comfort zone here, especially since I didn’t bother to apply makeup or straighten my hair. OMG, you’ll be seeing the REAL me!! Don’t say I didn’t warn you ;)
Tag: funny
-
Here is the 40th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When visiting the zoo, do not try to get the chimpanzees’ attention by throwing popcorn at them. At best, they will simply pick up the popcorn and eat it and continue to ignore you. At worst, they will reciprocate by flinging some dark smelly stuff back at you, causing you and the family to have an uncomfortable ride home, with your shirt covered in chimp poop.
9. When visiting the zoo, do not think that just because the Siberian Leopard kitten is fast asleep, you can simply reach through the bars and scratch its adorable furry little head. At best, you might simply bruise your arm as you jerk it back when you hear the kitten’s mother’s roar. At worst, the kitten will wake up and decide to play tug-of-war with your arm while mama gets closer and closer snarling the whole way .
8. When visiting the zoo, do not throw things into the elephant exhibit just because you think it is fun to watch elephants pick things up with their trunks. At best, you will be reprimanded by the zoo staff and told to leave the zoo. At worst, you will be told to pick up all the trash in the elephant exhibit, which might take a very long time since the elephants never forget a litter bug and might think it is fun to pick you up with their trunks.
7. When visiting the zoo, do not try and mimic the Lemurs as they run through their exhibit, catapulting themselves through the air and landing upright on trees. At best, your efforts will result in some embarrassment and bark rash from you ungracefully sliding down a tree that you tried to leap onto. At worst, the tree you leapt onto will turn out to be inside the Lemur exhibit, causing the Lemurs to see you as a predator and mob you until you are rescued by zoo staff.
6. When visiting the zoo, do not sneak in a pair of roller skates because you made a bet with your best friend that you can get through all the exhibits within an hour. At best, you will only draw the ire of the other zoo visitors, as they have to jump out of your way to avoid being run over by you. At worst, you might take one of the downhill paths too fast and find yourself nose-to-nose with a rhinoceros in its wading pool at feeding time.
5. When visiting the zoo, do not tap on the glass of the Goliath birdeater exhibit, thinking you can coax the tarantula to where you can see it better. At best, the tarantula will just hunker down even more and zoo staff will be compelled to ask you to leave. At worst, before making you leave, the staff will insist that you clean the cage of the birdeater, blindfolded with peanut butter on your fingers.
4. When visiting the zoo, do not try to entice a crocodile to open its mouth by holding food out over the fence. At best, the croc will simply ignore you since it probably is more interested in the Pekinese that someone snuck in. At worst, the croc will leap up and forward to get your hand as well as the treat in it, causing you to dislocate your shoulder as you try to get out of the way without falling over the fence and into the croc’s open mouth.
3. When visiting the zoo, do not think yelling at bears is a good and effective way to get their attention and make them active. At best, you will simply annoy the other zoo visitors until someone wads up a paper bag and stuffs in your mouth. At worst, after stuffing the paper bag in your mouth, the other zoo visitors band together and toss you over into the bear exhibit, causing such a commotion that the bears then wake up and become active thinking you to be a member of a rival clan.
2. When visiting the zoo, do not think that you can hide out until after the zoo closes because you always wanted to see the zoo at night. At best, you might become very bored very quickly because most of the animals are also done for the night and curled away in their beds. At worst, you try to entertain yourself by climbing trees, pretending to be a monkey until you realize, much too late, that you’ve flung yourself into the lion exhibit and, since they hunt at night, they are all wide awake and waiting for you.
1. When visiting the zoo, do not try and pretend you are a member of the zoo staff just so you can arrange a close encounter with the zoo’s mascot, a yellow reticulated python named Lemondrop. At best, you will be found out because you have to keep looking at your badge to remember the name of staff from whom you stole the uniform. At worst, you get your close encounter with Lemondrop who turns out to like you so much, the python can’t help but take you into its burrow to give you a big hug.
-
Usually I reblog important posts, but WP is failing me at the moment so let’s settle for Press This. Meaning, press this: Honourary Dilettante Contest.
My favorite dilettante, Helena Hann-Basquiast, is holding a contest to promote her book, Memoirs of a Dilettante. Volume One. The prizes include kisses from Helena herself (well, I suppose, more like virtual kisses if you’re not already in kissing range) and T-SHIRTS with the coolest artwork you’ve ever seen. Well, you can see such artwork on her website and on her book, but with T-shirts, you can wear the artwork. So waste no time. Head over to Helena’s blog for details and join in the fun!
-
Here is the 39th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an imbedded racket, club or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.
9. When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.
8. When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.
7. When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friend s will figure out a way to stick you with a bill someday which will require a bank loan to cover.
6. When playing sports with friend, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match your clothing and equipment price. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem which may or may not be accurate.
5. When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause for the loss of the game. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and bad morning after.
4. When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.
3. When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the grounds keeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about rules.
2. When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peace keeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.
1. When playing sports with friends, try to remember the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.
-
Here is the 38th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not go to the animal shelter without your significant other to help you make a decision. If you do go without your significant other, at best your significant other will forgive you for bringing home a cat with an ear-piercing howl and buy you both a lifetime supply of earplugs so you can at least sleep through the night. At worst, your significant other may start talking about the need to “see other people, particularly people without cats.”
9. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that just because Newfoundland puppies are cute and a perfect size for cuddling, that they will always be a perfect size for cuddling. At best, you may learn to not mind when you get pushed off the bed when your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland stretches out next to you. At worst, you may have to design a harness and pulley system to get your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland off your lap.
8. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think just because the ferrets at the pet store were all asleep during your visit the one you picked will spend most of its time sacked out. At best, you won’t mind playing daily games of hide-and-seek as your ferret playmate finds new places to hide in your home. At worst, you may find those new places to hide involve the ferret eating holes in your upholstery causing you to buy a new suite of living room furniture every week.
7. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that your regular vacuum cleaner will suffice for cleaning up the hair shed by the white Himalayan cat you desire. At best, you will be properly advised, causing you to purchase a top-of-the-line model. At worst, you may have to learn to live with having your brown velour furniture look like it has been blanketed with snow.
6. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think bringing home a python will do much to improve your social life. At best, you and the animal control officer who was called out to your house after your neighbors complained may fall in love and together you will find a proper home for the python. At worst, you may be confronted by a mob of your neighbors after your python repeatedly escapes and the small animals in your neighborhood disappear.
5. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that cats are more hygienic than dogs. While generally that may be true, at best, you may find your new cat poops outside its litter box only when you provide it a food that it doesn’t like (and thereby quickly training you to give it what it wants when it wants it). At worst, your cat may eventually eschew the litter box altogether causing you to invest heavily in wee-wee pads and kitty diapers and daily meditations of “Fluffy is a good kitty. Fluffy is a good kitty.”
4. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that little Fido’s incessant yipping is something he will simply outgrow. At best, you may wind up deciding at least you no longer need a security system for your home since Fido emits a series of high-pitched yips at every movement behind your door or window. At worst, you may invest in a series of expensive sessions to train Fido not to yip only to learn that Fido is as Fido does—YIP!
3. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume simply training your German Shepherd Gunther to obey commands gets you a pass at keeping your dog on a lease in public places. At best, joggers will quickly learn to stop running when they see Gunther so he will not chase them as you call in vain for Gunther to “Heel!” At worst, the next jogger whose crotch Gunther sticks his nose into will be an employee of the police force who will be more than happy to write up a series of citations against you and to confiscate Gunther for conscription into the police dog unit.
2. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume fish would be a good choice if you live in an apartment where pets are not allowed. At best, your landlord never visits your apartment and you manage to keep your relationship with George, your oscar cichlid, a secret. At worst, your landlord may catch you in the elevator with the new aquarium for George which you had to buy because he doubled in size, and your landlord doesn’t buy the story that you plan to use the aquarium for a sitz bath.
1. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think you will be able to stop at just one. At best, you may learn to accept the fact that animals will gravitate toward a warm heart and a safe home, meaning you and yours. At worst, you will find yourself having to make accommodations for your pets in your will since as you get older, your willingness to rescue abandoned animals has grown greater.
-
Here is the 35th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When spending time in the DMV, do not show any sign of impatience. If you do, at best, the clerks will slow service just to see you sweat. At worst, you will need a defillibrator to restart your heart after you go apoplectic from missing your turn because you forgot to take a number.
9. When spending time in the DMV, make sure all your paperwork is complete before your number is called. If you don’t, at best, the clerks will have a good laugh sending you back to the end of the queue. At worst, you will be tempted to say something like “Really?” in a heavily sarcastic voice which will result in you being banned from the DMV for the day.
8. When spending time in the DMV, make certain you do not leave the room until your number is called. If you do, at best, your number will be called the second you leave and you’ll rush back in time. At worst, your number will be called and the next person served and you will need to wait until your number comes up again in a week.
7. When spending time in the DMV, be careful on what and how much you drink. If you don’t, at best, you will experience number eight while visiting the restroom. At worst, you will try to gut it out and the clerks will be able to tell you are in a dire situation and prolong your agony according to number ten.
6. When spending time in the DMV, do not arrive during the hours of eleven and two. If you do, at best, you will be subject to the lunch hour slowdown and have a longer wait. At worst, you will be caught in a never-ending situation with only one clerk at a time working while the rest go out for drinks and to celebrate the hundredth slow down heart attack of the month.
5. When spending time in the DMV, make sure you bring something to read other than your phone, kindle or tablet. If you don’t, at best, you will be forced to ask your neighbor for something to read since the DMV is a digital dead zone. At worst, you will be forced to watch the slowly moving clerks for hours on end who appear to be sharing the same “look at this” joke and working two and three together on one problem.
4. When spending time in the DMV, do not make eye contact with any humans in the room. If you do, at best, you will be asked to help with someone’s paperwork. At worst, you’ll have to hear some sad story of why this person needs to get back to work to support the sick family and a request to trade places which you will find hard to turn down.
3. When spending time in the DMV, do not talk to any human beings in the room. If you do, at best, you will need to endure the endless complaining on the slowness of the system. At worst, you may find yourself in the company of someone who is getting ready to crack under the DMV waiting pressure.
2. When spending time in the DMV, do not dress in your finest. If you do, at best, you will be subject to endless requests for “just a dollar so I can get my license.” At worst, you might be asked to hand over all your money by a serious looking gent who swears he has a gun in his pants.
1. When spending time in the DMV, do not attempt to numb your pain with any kind of substance, controlled or otherwise. If you do, at best, you might fall asleep and miss the call of your number. At worst, you might end up on the six and eleven o’clock news leading a riot in the DMV which seemed like a good idea at the time you were leading it.
-
Here is the 34th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review. If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis and your efforts will be wasted. At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author. (more…) -
Here is the 32nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. Happy Valentine’s Day!
10. For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart a 10-pound box of chocolates or a case of craft brew when you know your sweetheart made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. At best, your sweetheart will accept the gift in the spirit in which it was given and just be grateful you even remembered Valentine’s Day. At worst, your sweetheart will eat or drink the whole thing and then make you pay for a new wardrobe when your sweetheart’s pants no longer fit due to the chocolate or beer-fed waistline. (more…)
-
This short story was inspired by a post on Jill Weatherholt‘s blog: http://jillweatherholt.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/is-that-really-true/. If you haven’t visited Jill’s blog yet, you should do so. Like me, Jill is a writer who has to juggle a full-time job with her passion for writing. Her posts are always entertaining, thoughtful, and generate a lot of comments. And, apparently, they can also be the inspiration for a short story.
***
English: A small plate with a serving of mashed potatoes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Another off-white, brown speckled clump fell beside Emily. She had been dozing. Well, really she had been sleeping. Sleeping for six days as she did every week. The soft thud of the odd clump was enough to rouse her, and she stirred in her rocking chair, her hands folded in her lap. She stretched, raising her arms straight up and then out like wings. Her back crackled as each vertebrate popped into life. She gazed down at the unsightly lump beside her chair and smiled. It was Sunday. Sunday dinner to be exact, and she could knit. (more…)
-
Here is the 28th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect your coworkers who did not take any time off to appreciate hearing how wonderful your vacation was. At best they will smile absently as you regale them with stories of all the reading you got done. At worst, they will regale you with stories of all the work that’s piled up on your desk, waiting for you and the fact you would be fired if it were not for them.
9. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to incur sympathy by complaining that you had to spend most of it with your in-laws. At best your coworkers will simply try to one-up your story of how your mother-in-law found fault with how you decorated your Christmas tree as usual. At worst, your complaints will be passed to your spouse at the next opportunity.
8. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not pretend to have been gone so long that you forgot your boss’s name. At best, your boss will play along and pretend to forget your name and your salary grade. At worst, your boss, who got called into work on Christmas Eve for an emergency that came up in your area, will purposely forget who you are and have security escort you from the building.
7. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect to find your office or cubicle in the same condition as you last saw it. At best, it might be cleaner since the cleaning crew actually had a chance to clean it while you were gone since most surfaces were uncovered. At worst, you will find things missing (like your favorite Lord of the Rings post-up notes) because your coworkers took advantage of your absence and treated your office like a come-help-yourself supply depot.
6. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, don’t expect you can spend most of your first day back getting “reacquainted” with your job. At best, your boss will grudgingly give you permission to spend the day reviewing stuff rather than doing stuff, but in the end it will cost you. At worst, your boss will offer you the opportunity to get “acquainted” with the new unemployment policies if you don’t step up.
5. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to make it sound like your break was more fun than it was. At best, you’ll only be competing with your cubicle-mate who, like you, basically stayed home and read all day. At worst, you’ll find yourself making up stories about scuba diving off the Florida Keys just because your supervisor hung out at a nude beach in Pensacola.
4. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, be sure to leave your house at least a half-hour earlier than usual. At best, you’ll get to work earlier and have some “quiet time” before the reality of being back hits you. At worst, you’ll need that extra half-hour because you’ve forgotten where you work and you get lost along the way. (You did drop crumbs didn’t you?)
3. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not bring with you all the cookies and cakes left over from your holiday parties. At best, your coworkers will just give you the evil eye since they had resolved to stop eating sweets after the holidays. At worst, the three week old sweets that you left out for everyone else will mysteriously wind up on your office chair, in the shape of a horse’s head.
2. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not be surprised if the work you thought your coworker would do on your behalf didn’t get done. At best, you’ll find a neat stack of reports that need to be reviewed by close of business the day you return and the coworker who had offered to review the reports out on sick leave. At worst, you’ll find piles of documents strewn across your desk with no clue when they are due or who left them for you, and your boss standing outside impatiently tapping a foot waiting for your report.
1. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect everyone, including you, to be in a cheery, ready-to-get-to-work mood. At best, you all will just be experiencing temporary post-holiday depression that will lift after a few days. At worst, the reality that there are no more holidays until May will hit you like a sledgehammer and you’ll have a four-month long headache to show for it.
Marie at 1 Write Way 