Here is the 34th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review. If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis and your efforts will be wasted. At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author. (more…)
Here is the 33rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best you may miss a couple of deductions. At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.
9. While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best you could tip it over and ruin the papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.
8. While doing your taxes, do not allow your dog to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best you may run out of battery. At worst, you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electro-shock treatment
7. While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.
6. While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst, you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and end up owing more that you had planned.
5. While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.
4. While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do, at best the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of signature will trigger a visit from NSA who will want to know all about you.
3. While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little a sense of humor the IRS really has.
2. While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.
1. While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do, at best you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get your living expenses paid, but will have a roommate who wants to go steady.
“My GRLby John W. Howell is fast-paced thriller that shows how your life can be turned upside down in the blink of an eye. . . It is a well-written story that kept me glued, page after page.” Readers’ Favorite Five Stars – Reviewed by Faridah Nassozi. See the entire review HERE
Click cover to visit Amazon
Blurb:
John J. Cannon successful San Francisco lawyer takes a well-deserved leave of absence from the firm and buys a boat he names My GRL. He is unaware that his newly purchased boat had already been targeted by a terrorist group. John’s first inkling of a problem is when he wakes up in the hospital where he learns he was found unconscious next to the dead body of the attractive young woman who sold him the boat in the first place. John now stands between the terrorists and the success of their mission.
Author Bio:
Photo by Tim Burdick
John W. Howell’s main interests are reading and writing. He turned to writing as a full time occupation after an extensive career in business. John writes thriller fiction novels and short stories. He also has a three times weekly blog at Fiction Favorites .
John lives on Mustang Island in the Gulf of Mexico off the coast of south Texas with his wife and their spoiled rescue pets.
From the Rome Construction Crew website, here’s a long-overdue update on goals I had set way back when:
Is it November yet? OMG, it’s almost November! Yes, I’ve been lolling in the luxury of not having to meet a WORD COUNT for the past few months but November (meaning NaNoWriMo) is so close I can taste it (whatever November might taste like). So as long as I’ve been without that albatross around my neck, I’ve also been a little less active on my blog. Of course, some of my friends (that is, the nonblogging friends) think I am very active, until I explain reblogging to them. Then they’re like, “Oh.” In anticipation of another month of insane writing (but what other kind is there, really), I decided to revisit my RCC goals. Yes, I know the last time I did this was … ahem … August. Well, tickle me with a feather. Better late than never. And so it goes …
My Goals
(1) Get off my own back. I am definitely much better at this now. Ironically, it’s because of my day job that I’ve loosened up a bit. You see, recently I received a promotion. I’m very happy about this because I know I earned it (why do I say this? long story for another time). I work with a great group of people who simply bring out the best in me. As I said to my supervisor once, my duties include “anything you tell me to do.” I think that’s when she decided to promote me. But my work also makes me very tired, and I’ve learned (since with a promotion comes more responsibilities) that I simply have to “get off my own back” if I want to get anything done. Same with my writing. Berating myself only slows me down, so enough of that already.
(2) Set up a schedule of posting that gives me time to write, but doesn’t make followers think I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. I might not be doing as well with this goal as I would like. I haven’t contributed to CSB of late, and aside from my Mondays with John Howell, my blogging is spotty. But I’m getting there. I’ve started scheduling posts to publish while I’m otherwise engaged (like this one ). So, I’m getting closer to this goal, too.
(3) Get organized. Dream on.
(4) Just keep writing. That’s what I’m doing! Every word I type or write down is just that … writing. Just because it doesn’t fit into a neat little poem or riveting short story doesn’t mean it isn’t still writing. It. All. Counts.
So how is everyone else doing with their goals? Remember, it’s the journey that’s important. And if you like the idea of consorting with like-minded folk who support each other regardless of whether they even have goals, consider joining the Rome Construction Crew. Details at http://www.romeconstructioncrew.com/about/
Since a lot of us share in the fantasy of becoming a world famous author, here is the Thirteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com and Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. If you are writing the great American novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.
9. If you are writing the great American novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.
8. If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.
7. If you are writing the great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “how you knew that” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “why haven’t we done that?”
6. If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you a number of stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book as if it is as easy as saying.
5. If you are writing the great American novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue but you might be in a position to need new clothes beyond your tattered trusted terry cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.
4. If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all you.
3. If you are writing the great American novel, do not try and get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as world famous author you can do it.
2. If you are writing the great American novel, do not suspend normal hygiene routines. The wild eyed, disheveled, evil smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avert unusual questions not to mention a threat of intervention from loved ones.
1. If you are writing the great American novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least it was you who had the faith to get there.
Welcome to an interview with John W. Howell, author of a new novel (working title: My GRL) soon to be published by Martin Sisters Publishing. John is also an editor at The Community Storyboard, a student of the haiku, a short story writer when he is not writing haikus or working on his next novel, and is my “partner in crime” in producing a weekly Top Ten List of Things Not To Do at both his blog, Fiction Favorites, and my own, 1WriteWay. John worked for 40-plus years in the private sector world before taking up writing full-time and is currently undergoing “margarita therapy” in an effort to overcome the unpleasant memories he has from that long, painful experience.
M: John, thank you so much for agreeing to be interviewed. Of course, I wanted to return the favor since you had interviewed me not too long ago. And I do need to return this margarita glass that I inadvertently took with me when we last met. All that aside, I am very interested in your writing, how it all came about and where you want your writing career to go from here.
J: Marie, it’s a pleasure to be here. Thanks for returning the margarita glass. It was getting embarrassing to have to serve the odd margarita in a mason jar. Aren’t you going to offer me anything?
M: Oh, of course, my manners. I’m no good at mixing drinks so …
J: I’ll have some hot tea. I have a long drive back.
M: A pot of hot tea coming up. Be careful where you sit. There may be a cat on the chair.
J: Thanks for the warning. Since I have two cats as well and know they don’t like to be disturbed. Perhaps if you could just find me a chair without a cat in it.
M: Here you go. OK, let’s get started. So, elsewhere you’ve said that you worked for over 40 years in the business sector. If it’s not too painful, could you talk a bit about what you did, what your occupation was?
J: Yes, Marie (takes sip of tea). I actually had three separate careers. The first was in consumer marketing and sales where I worked for over twenty-two years. In that time I started as a section sales person and finished as President of a consumer healthcare division. The second career was as a consultant in consumer marketing. I worked as an independent consultant for about five years and then for my third career started when I was hired by one of my clients. The client was a major telecommunications company and I started as a cube dweller and worked for about fifteen years and finished as a director. I retired and began writing full time in 2012.
M: That’s really interesting! Has any of this experience influence or play a part in your writing?
J: I have a reoccurring character named Frank who embodies all the arrogance I witnessed by upper management when I was working. You know the attitude, believing everyone else is less than equal and not quite as smart. I am slowly torturing Frank by giving him a life that he loves mixed with a life of a homeless person. I do this in various stages of his dreams. So whenever Frank goes to sleep he wakes up under a different situation and the beauty is he remembers the previous dream and is in agony. I love it.
M: And you wrote a short story about Frank that received an Honorable Mention from Writer’s Digest in their Popular Fiction Contest. Our readers can enjoy “Cold Night Out” on the Community Storyboard. Congratulations on that award. So now you are retired from the business world. What prompted you to take up writing? Had you done any writing while you were employed before?
J: I actually did a fair amount of contract writing on my last job. I became very interested in the creative process which I then infused into the contracts I was creating. I was able to have living documents that two parties could embrace. It was this experience that got me to the keyboard so to speak. I finished my first book while still working. I printed it off and it is now holding the laundry room door open which seems the best purpose for a 122,000 word piece of trash.
M: I think a lot of us may feel the same way about our first novels. You’ve said that Kurt Vonnegut is a writer you look up to and that Catch-22 by Joseph Heller is the book that got you interested in reading. Do you have any other literary influences?
J: In college I studied comparative literature and part of the curriculum was a concentration on the classics. I guess if I were to pick another influence it would have to be Stephen Crain who wrote The Red Badge of Courage. It was not only a compelling story but also reflects the inner experience of its protagonist. This inner experience or feeling I continually bring out in my characters. One of the reasons I like to write in the first person is that my protagonist has the responsibility of interpreting the scenes around him and then explaining those scenes to the reader. This makes a story not so much as an external circumstance driving the protagonist but an inner conflict that is causing the behavior.
M: And it makes for a compelling story, much like “Cold Night Out” where the reader only knows as much as Frank knows. Let’s talk about Haikus. When did you start writing Haikus? You know, you are quite the master. For our readers, many of John’s haikus are featured on The Community Storyboard.
J: Oh, Marie, you are so nice to say Master, but I am a humble student. I was challenged by a fellow blogger who you know as Kirsten to bring some of my poetry out of the closet (so to speak). I had a great fear of being laughed out of the blogosphere with some of them. I started studying the various forms and somehow fell into Haiku since it comes close to my natural writing style. I practiced and read a lot about Haiku and so I guess I learned with a hands on method. Here is one for you:
Marie is the best, Truly cares for all near her . . . Secret of her smile.
M: (blushing) John, that is lovely and so sweet of you. Thank you. Here, have some tea (clears throat and sniffs). Now, I understand that My GRL is will be published by Martin Sisters Publishing. How did that come about? How has your experience with Martin Sisters been so far?
J: I finished the book and then went through the query process to find an agent. After about two months of no response, I went on line and looked up publishers who would take a chance on first time authors. Martin Sisters Publishing and a number of others came up and since they did not require an agent, I sent a query. They liked my query and asked for that I sign a contract which I was very happy to do. They are very thoughtful and have great respect for writers. I have really enjoyed the experience
M: As you know, many of our fellow writers are self-publishing these days. What are your thoughts on self-publishing? Did you consider self-publishing at all?
J: I was actually going to go the self-publishing route before contracting with Martin Sisters Publishing. I think self-publishing is the way to go if you have some aversion to relinquishing some control over your book. I was very faint of heart when I knew some rights like cover design were now in the hands of the publisher. Martin Sisters also has an option on the next book which I just finished so I am not sure I will be in the self-publish mode for a while. I would like to try it though.
M: Oh, you just finished your second novel? How exciting! Is this a sequel to the first?
J: Yes, it seems the story was too big to fit in one book so I ended the first with some question as to the justice system’s ability to bring the true perpetrator to trial. The second starts off with the protagonist being hailed as a hero and scheduled to appear at the White House for an award. All the while the person behind the original terrorist plot has another in mind and he wants to get his hands on the hero. Many more bullets fly in the next book.
M: Sounds like fun (big smile). So, what is a typical writing day for you? Do you set yourself goals like word or page counts? What needs to happen for you to say that you’ve had a productive and satisfying writing day?
J: My day starts with normal chores like walking dogs etc. By noon I am ready to write. I set a goal for one thousand words for the day on my WIP. Of course with blogs and e-mails I write more than that totally. A successful day to me is moving the story along and working out a twist or plot problem successfully. (Oh and getting all the 150 E-mails put somewhere.)
M: Hmmm, you get a lot of emails, too. Ah, you know, publishing whether it’s self-publishing or traditional publishing is very competitive. Writers who are coming out with their first novels or short stories may feel overwhelmed or intimidated by the marketplace. Do you have any advice for writers who aspire to be published authors?
J: Anyone who wants to be published needs to understand that the work is hard and the result needs to be a personal goal not driven by some other person. Given that understanding, the writer needs to write every day. It really doesn’t matter how much but every day is a must.
M: Well, John, that’s great advice. I agree that writing everyday, even if it’s just an email in response to 150 emails, is worth doing. I want to thank you again for taking the time for this interview. I know I am one of many others who are eagerly awaiting the publication of your first novel. I assume you will announce it on your blog, which again is Fiction Favorites. Would you like some more tea before you head back?
J: Marie, it was my pleasure to be interviewed by you. You have a lovely new kitchen and I must say your cats are well-behaved. Yes, I would love some more tea.
Well, that’s it, folks! My first interview with Haiku student (master), novelist, blogger, and all-around great guy, John W. Howell. Be sure to follow his blog Fiction Favorites. And please stay tuned for more interviews by 1WriteWay.
Here is the tenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not To Do by John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com and Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
Here is the tenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not To Do by John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com and Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to bring flip-flops or some such protection for your feet if you choose to stay at quaint inns. Often you will find yourself in a long line of other travelers and locals waiting to use the single shower in the multi-story building. Besides standing in other people’s wet dirt, you may also encounter microscopic critters that tend to linger along the tiled floors and are happy to ride your feet back to your country of origin.
9. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to practice squats several times a day to build up your quadriceps and to prepare you for the inevitable pit toilet located in the back yard of the local inn. Do not assume that you will always have the advantage of something to hang onto while you try to find that happy balance of getting your bum directly over the pit without getting it directly into the pit.
8. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to carry at least two rolls of toilet paper on you. One roll for the inevitable pit toilets that never have toilet paper anyway and the other roll for when you do manage to find a private toilet where you can spend the next several hours wishing you hadn’t drank that tap water even though you were outrageously thirsty at the time and nothing else was available.
7. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not drink tap water (see #4). You may drink anything that comes in a bottle which means you may be drinking a lot of beer, which leads us to the next item on the list.
6. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not allow yourself to be over-served even if you are feeling only mildly inebriated at the time and you are dining on a full-course meal. Chances are some amoebas are lingering on your plate (which was probably washed with tap water) or within the food and you may eventually find yourself in the predicament of trying to balance your bum over a pit toilet while simultaneously trying not to throw up on your flip-flops.
5. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not expect that everyone will speak English and you will not have a need to know the local language. For example, learn to ask “Where is the bathroom?” If you’ve read this far into the list, then you know why you need to know this.
4. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not take a room in a hotel or inn that is directly across from a church. After a few days of church bell ringing to announce the time (6 AM, noon, 6 PM), funerals and weddings (often on the same day), you may wind up with a loss of hearing to rival Quasimodo.
3. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to also practice squats several times a day to prepare you for the strenuous hikes that you may encounter, especially on rainy days when the landscape becomes wet and muddy. You do not want a team of local boys to have to push on your bum to get you up the steep hill that was supposedly a shortcut to the inn in which you’re staying.
2. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, avoid spending the evening with a U.S. ex-pat who grows and smokes his own marijuana. While it may seem safe at first, you run the risk of your host being a paranoid sonofabitch who may at any moment start ranting about the U.S. government and the CIA and the FBI and their collusion with the Peace Corps and you will suddenly be wishing that you could slip away during those few all-too-brief moments when your host is not staring at you with wide bloodshot eyes while sharpening his machete.
1. When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, beware of clear liquids served by young children at a roadside stand, especially at night. Chances are they are not selling lemonade, but instead are selling “firewater.” The upside is the firewater may kill all the amoebas that have taken up residence in your stomach. The downside is you may become too quickly inebriated to appreciate it.
I am very happy to announce that I met my 50,000 word goal in Camp NaNoWriMo! And how did I meet such a lofty goal, you ask. Why, by frequently combining blog posts with my novel writing, such as I did here and here.
And here I go again! This post is rather long, but if you’ve read my and John Howell’s latest Top Ten List on losing weight, then you should be able to breeze through it.
I have to admit that editing this third book in my series will be very interesting since it contains a book review, a guest blog, a revised fairy tale, and now this riff on our Ten Top List. Hope you enjoy ;)
Fat Cat Sleeping
An excerpt from The Widow’s Club: Guilty Until Proven Innocent
Maggie took a sip of her hot chocolate and turned on her laptop. She wasted no time in heading to her favorite blog, Fiction Favorites by John Howell. She loved his blog and now his Monday morning post of “top ten things not to do” list. It was a collaboration with some other blogger, but she hadn’t bothered to visit the other blog. She was plenty satisfied with Fiction Favorites.
She needed a laugh, she needed some distraction from Mary’s anxiety, Melissa’s disappearance, and Randy’s unknown whereabouts. Their lives were becoming more like a poorly written soap opera. She clicked her way to Fiction Favorites and almost shot hot chocolate through her nose when she saw the title: “Top Ten List of Things Not to do When Trying to Lose Weight.” Maggie had been fighting with her weight all her life. She had never been obese, just overweight enough to be self-conscious about her figure, particularly the waxing and waning of her waistline. This should be good, she thought, as she hunched over the laptop.
She read the first item in the list: “When trying to lose weight, do not go on a 24-hour fast and then a Chinese buffet binge just because fasting is the new “in” diet. The rapid transition from empty stomach to a stomach brimming with hot and sour soup, General Tso’s Chicken, spring rolls, crab rangoon, snow peas in garlic sauce, fried rice, and chocolate pudding can be explosive.” She stifled a giggle. She had actually done that once, and only once. She had been so starving when she got to the Chinese buffet that she filled up her plate at least four times. Nothing “explosive” happened, but she did wind up feeling like a beached whale all that night. Her husband Bobby had teased her about it for days afterward.
The next item was: “When trying to lose weight, do not mistake the South Beach diet for endless daiquiris and tapas at Miami’s South Beach. You’ll never get into that sleek little bathing suit if you do.” She smiled and glanced over at Mary, who was sitting on the couch and fiddling with her cell phone. Mary had been to South Beach with Christopher a long time ago. She wanted to ask her what tapas were, but Mary looked too distracted. Probably just a typo, Maggie thought.
She read on: “When trying to lose weight, do not sign up for your very first triathlon if your only familiarity with exercise is being able to juggle multiple remotes for your TV, DVD player and sound system. You want to lose weight, not your life, which you will likely forfeit in the first five minutes of the competition.” She snorted, but this time without getting hot chocolate up her nose. She used to tease Bobby about his dexterity in juggling all their various remotes. He could have turned it into an Olympic sport.
“When trying to lose weight, by all means, purchase a scale for weighing your food so you can be sure of the size of your portions. Just don’t bring it with you to restaurants and weigh the food served to you. At best, your friends will find the activity of watching you trying to weigh a dollop of mashed potatoes rather boring. At worst, your food will be in an unappetizing state after the weighing.” Maggie cocked her head while she read this item. Who would bring a food scale to a restaurant? Who would even think of it? Maggie guessed that this list, or at least this item, was written by the other blogger, someone with a rather tenuous grasp on humor.
She sat up straight and her face flushed when she read the next item on the list: “When trying to lose weight, do not buy spandex for casual wear EVER! No explanation is necessary.” Oh, really, she thought. No spandex ever? Why, she was wearing spandex at that very moment and it was very comfortable and not unattractive. Of course, they were leggings, black leggings, and she had a long black rayon skirt over them, so …. She moved on down the list.
“When trying to lose weight, do not try to curb your appetite with bottomless cups of coffee, bottles of diet pills, or any other substance. These have less to do with suppressing appetite and much more to do with making you so hyper that you never sleep, which, ironically, gives you more hours in which to eat.” Well, Maggie thought, this is more true than funny. She had tried diet pills herself when she was in high school. Talk about being hyper. She couldn’t stop talking. She would talk right over Mary until Mary finally lost her temper and yelled at her to “Shut the fuck up!” And they were in church at the time. During Mass for a friend’s wedding.
Maggie sunk down in her chair and peered at Mary over the laptop. Her cousin was gazing out the window, seemingly lost in thought. Probably worrying about Melissa or Randy or both, she thought. The memory of Mary’s outburst, in the church of all places, made Maggie feel reticent about sharing this list with her. Any other time she would read Howell’s list out loud to her, or his haikus. But this list was strangely unfunny. The list was pushing all the wrong buttons.
Still, she continued to read: “When trying to lose weight, do not take any diet pills that promise to block your absorption of fat (e.g., Alli). Yes, they do work, but they work at all the wrong moments–in the middle of a business meeting, during a long commute, or while you’re sitting in the window seat of an airplane with Chris Christie next to you.” She covered her mouth as she smiled at this item. The image of being stuck on a plane between the window and Chris Christie was too much for her. Never mind the idea that you have an urgent need to go to the bathroom. She remembered Bobby once telling her about a meeting he was in at the bank, when one of the loan officers suddenly jumped up from her chair and ran out of the room. They found out later that she had been taking Alli and made the mistake of eating potato chips with her lunch. She barely got to the bathroom in time. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t laugh at someone’s expense like that, but he said the look on her face was so funny, like someone had just poked her in the butt.
The memory of Bobby’s laughter made Maggie’s smile grow bigger, but her chin quivered as well. They were both quiet types, introverts, but he had had a wonderful sense of humor. His humor was much like John Howell’s and she thought that was probably why she liked his blog so much.
“When trying to lose weight, do not hire a trainer that looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s poor cousin and whose sales pitch is “I want to pump you up!” What you might get “pumped up” with may not be legal.” Oh, Bobby would love this one, she thought, as she bit her tongue to keep from laughing out loud. Whoever wrote this item had to be thinking of those characters on Saturday Night Live. She thought Dana Carvey was one of them. Bobby had loved those characters. John probably wrote this item.
Maggie scrolled further down the list. Just two more. She wrinkled her nose at the next one: “When trying to lose weight, do not take up colon cleansing. As with most of the items on this list, the result of too much of a good thing can result in frequent and expensive calls to your plumber.” The other blogger must have written this list, she thought. Really, John wouldn’t be so juvenile in his humor. Of course, part of dieting does involve changes to one’s input and output, as Bobby had liked to describe those particular bodily functions. But, really, she thought, the other blogger is just running out of ideas.
Finally, the last item. She almost sighed with relief: “Finally, when trying to lose weight, take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself which is more important: fitting into those skinny jeans you wore in high school or feeling strong, healthy, and happy, even if you are a little soft around the edges.”
Maggie sat back in her chair. Well, she thought, that is kind of a nice way to end the list, given how difficult it is to lose weight. And being healthy is more important. But the last item was anti-climatic. The whole list reminded Maggie of her own struggle to lose weight–just 10 or 15 pounds. All the diets she tried. All the times that Bobby would tell her not to fret about her weight so much. He loved her curves. He loved her. But she did finally lose that 15 pounds plus another 10. After Bobby’s death. She had lost interest in eating then and for a long time, she only ate if food was put before her. She’d gladly put all that weight back on if she could just have Bobby back.
Maggie closed the laptop and looked over at her cousin. Mary returned her gaze and gave her a weak smile. “It’s Monday,” Mary said. “Any good lists on Fiction Favorites? I could use a laugh right now.”
). So, I’m getting closer to this goal, too.
Marie at 1 Write Way 
