Is it too much to ask

That when I washed my face at the sink in my gym

I did not see the CNN news-crawl crawling with the words “another mass shooting.”

Is it too much to ask

That I don’t bear this knowledge alone

That I can tell my husband as soon as I get home, to share the pain, the horror

Is it too much to ask

That I don’t keep silent during dinner

That I don’t refrain from sharing the pain because he doesn’t know yet

I don’t want to be the one to break his heart

Is it too much to ask

That I wake up in the morning not feeling anxious and afraid

And when I do wake up feeling anxious and afraid

It’s only because I had too much wine last night, or had a bad dream that I don’t remember

Is it too much to ask

That I don’t get used to this

this murder-suicide that my country seems so intent on committing

Is it too much to ask

That I don’t feel a need to write these words instead of working on my novel or my essays or my short stories or anything but my grief over another mass shooting

That my grief doesn’t grow with every shooting, every time one person is injured, one person is killed

Is it too much to ask

To not talk about how mass shootings could be prevented if only:

if only that shooter hadn’t been bullied by his fellow students

if only that shooter hadn’t lost his job

if only that shooter had met a “decent” woman who would have sex with him

if only the Tree of Life Synagogue had had better security

if only houses of God were not perceived as sanctuaries

if only the Hot Yoga Tallahassee studio had had metal detectors at the entrance

if only the yogis hadn’t been in child pose and at peace

if only the worshipers at the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church hadn’t welcomed the shooter to pray with them

if only they hadn’t had so much faith

if only everyone carried a gun

if only we all lived in constant fear would we be free

Is it too much to ask

to live in a society that values the freedom to go about our daily lives unmolested and unafraid, not worrying about whether today is the day you die because you went

to your yoga practice

to your place of worship

to the movie theater

to a concert

to work

Is it too much to ask

To live without fear

To live without being in a constant state of grief