Marie at 1 Write Way

Musing About Entering the “Nines.”

I’m stealing an idea from Laura Bruno Lilly (laurabrunolilly.com). In 2014, she wrote a post, musing about entering and exiting “the nines,” that is, the last year of one’s decade. You can read it here: Here’s to the Nines!

Up until my 60s, I looked forward to getting older. In fact, I’d argue that my 50s were my best decade (at least as of this writing). Then, as soon I turned 60, my body turned on me. I had been looking forward to my 60s, if for no other reason than I would be closer to retiring from state government. And even though my 60s started rough, I indulged in fantasies of spending my retirement going on long walks and bicycle rides and spending hours at the gym. I’d show my body who was boss!

Fast forward to now, this month, today.

Sixty-nine. 69. 6. 9. Backwards, 69 is 96. Okay, let’s not think about that.

The last time I felt trepidation with transitioning from one age to another was when I went from 40 to 41 and realized that I still didn’t have a “proper” career, I was still struggling with where I fit in the world.

I’m no longer worried about having a career (or even a job, thankfully), but as I lean into being 69, I am wondering where I fit in the world.

My body reminds me daily that my dream of an intensely physically active retirement was just that, a dream. Mind you, I still practice yoga twice a week, work out at the gym twice a week, and walk in my neighborhood at least twice a week. So I’m not a couch-potato. And yet …

In my mind and my heart, I still feel like that 41-year-old, adrift but with time enough ahead of me to figure things out. But how I see myself is, no doubt, radically different from how others see me. My anticipated stamina always falls short, as I learned when I recently spent time with my 4-year-old grandniece and 6-year-old grandnephew. Someone said that being around children keeps an old person young.

Ah, no, no, no, nope.

What really gets me about this whole aging thing is how altered my sense of time is. Time seems to travel at the speed of light: I’ve just turned 69 when I could have sworn that I hit the big 6-0 only yesterday. Yet when sitting in the doctor’s reception area or waiting for a light to turn green or checking my clock once more on a sleepless night, Time seems to plod forward like a tortoise.

The only time that Time seems to work for me is when I’m watching a Downey Woodpecker parent train its young to eat suet from the cage we have dangling from a pole. Or on those sleepless nights when Raji is nestled behind my knees and kicking my butt with his paws while he dreams of chasing pigeons. Or when I lose myself in my novel, or someone else’s novel. At those times and a few others, Time ceases to exist for a while. By the time I realize that Time has passed, it’s too late to worry about it.

I started writing this post two weeks ago, anticipating that I’d be obsessing about turning 69 on this day. Then, a couple of days ago, my husband shared with me a post by Timothy Snyder, Of Stoicism and Stupor. Snyder quotes from Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations:

“What a tiny part of the boundless abyss of time has been allotted to each of us, and this is soon vanished in eternity; what a tiny part of the universal substance and the universal soul; how tiny in the whole earth the mere clod on which you keep.”

I know little about stoicism, but this quote helped me realize that in my own small way, I’ve been and am stoic. I’ve always found more comfort in feeling that I am just a tiny part of the world, that so much out there is so much bigger and more beautiful than me. I don’t want the weight of responsibility and constant disappointment that comes with hubris, that comes with pride.

“Why then this stress, why not be content with an orderly passage through the brief span you have.”

Indeed, why not?

Under our current global and local circumstances, it might seem selfish to “be content.” And yet …

“Dig inside yourself,” wrote Marcus Aurelius, “inside there is a spring of goodness ready to gush at any moment, if you keep digging.”

So, this is my birthday present to me: to dig inside myself, find the goodness in me, see it in others, practice it, all the while knowing I’m a mere speck in this bright, vast universe.

My two fur babies who keep me grounded.

Raji napping.
Wendy napping.

Thank you for reading!

P.S. The featured photo is of a wasp and bee enjoying the flowers of our Clustered Mountain Mint.

Marie A Bailey

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35 responses to “Musing About Entering the “Nines.””

  1. I could not agree more more with this, Marie. Why do we stress so much? It’s not really worth it in the end, is it?

    I am going to do the same and dig inside my own self.

    Have a beautiful day!

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  2. I am right behind you in time (I turn 69 in December), and I’m anything but stoic. I’ve been focusing on the big 7-0, not that I am about to end my 60s, and I like that thought. I feel I will need that extra time to do my own “digging deep” toward acceptance/contentment. Happy, happy birthday!

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  3. What a beautiful meditation on turning 69, Marie. I will be turning 71 this summer. What you say about all this is so true of the time in our lives (though, yes, I am really old haha). There is an almost sudden realization that the body is no longer capable of what it was. My hummingbird babies (and their mama feeding them) keeps me content in the moment even with the world crashing to pieces around me.

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  5. Happy Birthday, Marie!

    I started my 70th year a couple of months ago, so I’ve been feeling the same things about this “niner.” And you’re so right about the way time passes these days. It’s disorienting sometimes! We were just shocked to realize a certain movie we love is 25 years old!

    I’ve done a lot of reading on stoicism and loosely adopted it as my approach to life years ago. Once you realize how small you are and how little control you have over events, things don’t seem so overwhelming anymore. Pretty cool!

    Hope you have a lovely b’day.

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    • Thank you, Kevin, and a belated Happy Birthday to you! Greg has been interested in Stoicism for a long time. When we visited my youngest nephew in May, they had an animated conversation about it as Scott has developed a recent interest. After reading Snyder’s essay, I feel I need to “get with the program.” It makes sense in terms of aging (especially since we Americans are so adversed to facing our own mortality) and in terms of our current state of affairs.

      Hope you and Sue and the pups are well!

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  6. Happy Birthday, Marie! I’ll be turning 70 this year. I read Timothy Snyder’s post, too. We are all specks in the universe, but we’re also all connected specks. It’s too bad that so many don’t see and understand that.

    It’s funny, but I imagine myself as in my 40s, too. That’s how I am in my dreams. I’m in pretty good physical shape, but definitely don’t have the stamina I had.

    The wasp and bee together are so cool. It makes me think of Frog and Toad are friends. 😊 And of course, the cat photos are great.

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    • Thank you, Merril 🩷 Ah, 70. I’m starting to look forward to it, get off what feels like the cusp of something.

      I do feel an incongruity (?) between the wear and tear on my body (the arthritis, the bruising, the mostly chronic knee pain) and my overall fitness. I notice the differences more in my yoga practice, how I can’t bend like I used to, how I keep modifying the poses to avoid pain. Yet, I feel strong. I keep up with the instructor. I can balance (most of the time … lol). I’m trying to focus on what I can do, not what I can’t.

      I was so lucky with that wasp and bee photo 🙂

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      • You’re welcome, Marie.
        I guess I haven’t felt “on the cusp” since Doug already turned 70 this year.

        I hope you keep feeling strong–and able to balance! Those are good things. xx

        You were lucky with that photo!

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  7. Happy Birthday, Marie! Turning 40 held the most trepidation for me as well. How silly, hey? But try not to stress about your age. It’s pretty pointless, and think how you’ve made it this far when so many haven’t. I’m not trying to preach. I just think about my dad with ALS, passing less two months after his 69th birthday. And other loved ones who were gone before their time. Hugs! I will raise a glass in your honour later. ❤️

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  10. I love this, Marie! It speaks to me on so many levels. Aging never bothered me, turning 40 or 50 or 60. But 70!? Yikes. That sounded truly OLD. I was not looking forward to being 70 at all! And yet, here I am, right in the middle of it, and loving my life so much. Perhaps because I’m living my dream of publishing my novels, or because I’ve decided to live what years I have left joyfully. Kind of like what you say at the end about that spring of goodness gushing forth, that relaxing into kindness. Now, those cats! So soft and cuddly. I can hear them purring now. What joy!

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  11. I just returned from out of town and this post greeted me upon opening up my WP Reader. :-)
    So, I’m late to the game on commenting. I’m thrilled to have been inspirational in your current ‘the Nines’ musings! I especially appreciate the insights you shared from Marcus Aurelius. So apropos.
    For the record, I referenced my next ‘9’ occurrence (your current one) after the fact – when I tilted from the Nines into a new decade! ( https://laurabrunolilly.com/october-18-1972/ ) The tilt seemed easier to go through than the actual ‘9s’!!! In celebration of being ‘at 70’ I compiled & read a huge list of books, articles, research into persons I admire (both famous & not, family etc) on their lives upon entering that new decade. Wonderfully active, creative, evolving, productive and curious as I continue to be – and I know you will be, too. For starters, I recommend poet May Sarton’s journal “At Seventy”. She too was an introvert (and activist!) so I think regardless of the era differential, you’d enjoy it. Congrats on ‘Entering the Nines’, Marie! :-)
    peace

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    • Thank you, Laura! What a wonderful way to celebrate being 70 by reading about the wonderful people who did wonderful things in their 70s and beyond. I read some of May Sarton’s work many years ago. I remember thinking she would be a good “role model” for me so I will reacquaint myself with her work.

      Welcome back! I hope you had a wonderful trip 🩷

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