1 Write Way

Top Ten Things Not To Do on Saint Patrick’s Day

Here is the 37th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

a patty

10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.

9.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.

8.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.

7.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Guinness stout drinks just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for the coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.

6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.

5.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic and there is still snow on the ground.

4.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and you say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find your self embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.

3.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.
2.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, there will be several photos snapped that you will pay large sums to have deleted.

1.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green.  If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.

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Marie A Bailey

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24 responses to “Top Ten Things Not To Do on Saint Patrick’s Day”

  1. Ha ha, great list! I hate when people do faux Irish accents! ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ya’ – GRRRR 🙂 Happy St Patrick’s Day to you!

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  2. I’m the sort of man who didn’t know it was St Patrick’s Day until someone told me and then said “Oh”. In fact I don’t do anything special on any national day, but if someone chooses to to, good luck to them eh

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    • Ha ha … I’m like that with most holidays myself. Although I admit when I was much much younger, St. Patty’s Day was an excuse to get drunk.

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  6. Good morning Marie. This list reminds me of the time I was having a few beers with friends and ordered a bottle so I could avoid the green stuff. Didn’t know it but the bartender was putting green in the bottles. Since I didn’t use a glass I was feeling pretty smug until I went to the bathroom. Shrek the first was looking back at me in the mirror.

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  7. My grandfather was half Irish half Cherokee. You would think he would have a drinking issue, but he didn’t drink. He didn’t sound Irish either. He sounded like someone from North Carolina.

    My son has a green t-shirt that says it all, “Irish you were naked.”

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  8. Good counsel. I’d add that you shouldn’t harass people who aren’t wearing green. I don’t have much in the way of green clothing, and I wouldn’t go out and buy something for this one strange day. (I am of Irish extraction, though! 🍀)

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    • I have Irish in me, too, but I usually wore orange because (technically) I was Protestant. When I was in school, I didn’t care for the colors green or orange. I never really celebrated St. Pat’s Day until I discovered Irish coffees 😉

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