Here is the 21st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
10. If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. At best the bird might actually look good. At worst you’ll probably be having carryout for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend.
9. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps . . . gimmie three steps mister. . . Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynard Skynard too loud and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.
8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.
7. If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner. The turkey won’t care who gets hurts as long as it’s not a turkey.
6. If you plan on deep frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. At best you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst you may burn down your house.
5. If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.
4. If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. At best you’ll wind up with a precooked bird; at worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.
3. If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try and dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.
2. If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the hood of the car. At best your cat may help itself and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner. At worst you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.
1. If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.